A Review Of The Use Of Numbers On tender[hooligan]

Do numbers matter to you? I mean they may not fill you with as much dread as the glorious letter Q or fill you with a deep sense of melancholy like a suicidal letter N, but they do matter. Without numbers how can I count the sorry days I’ve spent wasting oxygen on this rabid planet? Without numbers how can I tell you the amount of women that I’ve not been able to entice back to my bedroom with offers of numbers of cash? A world without numbers is like a knee without blood.

Numbers however do not matter to tender[hooligan]. Looking at this site it is obvious that tender[hooligan] feels about numbers the same way MikeTyson feels about a wacky student who tries to s**t in his boxing gloves right before a big fight.

These poor numbers are abused. They are apparently not worthy of sharing the colour black with their letter cousins. Instead they are forced to present themselves to the world in a washed out faded grey. It is like George Clooney asking his excited new girlfriend to attend the Oscars with him and then informing her that she can only go if she wears a false beard, a dress made of scrotum and some herring glued to her feet. It is a cruel presentation. If Einstein could see what was being done to his beautiful numbers I suspect he would stick his nose in a toaster and cook it to a crumbling black crisp.

With tears streaming down my face I try to find further evidence of crimes against numbers and I am reviled to find a case of the number 130000 being scored out and suffering the indignity of being replaced with a smaller number. That’s right. A number with a line struck right through it like a samurai sword impaling a once proud camel. Turning number against number. I am so numb that I literally cannot feel my own hair. I cannot watch any more and hurl myself to the floor. I have to crawl through the grime and empty bottles of vodka to unplug my laptop and wait patiently for the battery to die and thus end my witness to this torture.

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11 Responses to “A Review Of The Use Of Numbers On tender[hooligan]”


  1. 1 turquoisegirl June 8, 2007 at 6:17 am

    Reading what George Clooney’s girlfriend could wear made me think of Paris Hilton for some reason.

  2. 2 tender [hooligan] June 8, 2007 at 7:05 am

    You’re right – numbers mean nothing to me at all! don’t understand them! But I’m interested in how you got that from that entry. I’ve clearly missed something very cerebral!

  3. 3 tender [hooligan] June 8, 2007 at 7:07 am

    AH! It was from a different entry, I see! Well, it did break my heart to strike out the number 130000 but one must be realistic! And facetious, of course! 😉

    I hope you’ve recovered by the way. I would hate to think that my devastating effect on you was long-lasting!

  4. 4 billymouth June 8, 2007 at 11:57 am

    I fear I may never be the same again. It is up for debate whether or not this is a bad thing.

  5. 5 tender [hooligan] June 8, 2007 at 1:08 pm

    Oh, Billy, don’t say that. I’ve just added you to my blogroll for your blog is marvellously entertaining! I demand a full recovery!

  6. 6 billymouth June 8, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    I cannot be placated with promises of links. I will be watching and hoping that your vile treatment of numbers does not continue

  7. 7 tender [hooligan] June 8, 2007 at 5:47 pm

    Thank you Billy. Thank you for your trust and patience, and for understanding my shortcomings. I can only hope (and maybe even pray) that I don’t disappoint you further.

  8. 8 Frank The Manc June 8, 2007 at 8:34 pm

    “If Einstein could see what was being done to his beautiful numbers I suspect he would stick his nose in a toaster and cook it to a crumbling black crisp.”

    Laughed my ass off. Class, man. Pure class.

  9. 9 thisismarcus June 8, 2007 at 11:39 pm

    More like The Use Of Colours, surely? 🙂

  10. 10 9000 June 12, 2007 at 5:15 pm

    fuckin nice one, the more venemous ye get, the funnier ye get

  11. 11 Melina December 20, 2007 at 4:53 pm

    very interesting. i’m adding in RSS Reader


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