“Recipe For Disaster” – – That’s What An Inferior Critic Would Say In His Review

Whizzing around the Web today my classy gaze fell upon

Make Me Cook

Am I going to be surprised and taken aback or is this blog going to involve cooking in some way? Of course it does, but the blunt hammer of predictability doesn’t knock my head off this time. It merely elicits a dull ache within my brain. I shed a single tear as I realise that my psyche is becoming conditioned to accept tedium in the same way that my lungs accept air. I smash my face into the keyboard and bash myself out of my torpor. I will never surrender to mediocrity!

I continue on down the page where the Cook is about to give us a recipe. Okay, I’ll forgive the obvious title if Cook presents this recipe in a way that exhilarates and astounds me. I take a deep breath. Please tell me that he or she or it is not going to give me a list of ingredients and then tell me how to cook them. But of course “it” does. Pathetic- No, worse: filthy. I knew before I even read the recipe that it would contain elements of both food and cooking.

This “thing” starts to rape my patience by listing these foods and herbs that I “need” to make its recipe. Then it informs me, as though I had the mind of a more backward than normal prison guard, how I should burn and chop those ingredients so that they may represent some sort of meal. Where is the originality? A list of ingredients and a guide to cooking those ingredients is not what people want from a recipe in this millennium. Where is the fierce passion? Where is the sweet subtlety? When am I going to read a recipe that doesn’t mention f**king food or cooking times? Food is irrelevant to cooking and cooking times are obsolete. A beautiful chef can boil a potato for over a month (fact) and it would still be heavenly to taste. I should read a recipe and feel compelled to rip my clothes off and cook them. To tear off strips of wallpaper and saute them. To delightfully fry my own feet. Instead I feel cheap and dirty and, worst of all, subjugated.

I take myself back up to the site banner and for the first time notice that there is the image of an attractive woman on it and somehow it all feels even more predictable.

I look at my freshly prepared crayfish salad but I can no longer stomach it. I throw it in the bin and unplug my computer without even shutting it down properly.

Billy’s Rating: Use of Fonts – 12/45.


1 Response to ““Recipe For Disaster” – – That’s What An Inferior Critic Would Say In His Review”

  1. 1 JennyJay November 1, 2006 at 4:25 pm

    I found this link on Technorati and as you were talking about my favorite cooking site I thought I’d check it out.

    I was about to get pretty annoyed until I got to

    “I knew before I even read the recipe that it would contain elements of both food and cooking.”

    which was when I realised it wasn’t serious. It’s pretty funny but I’m guessing you’re going to annoy a lot of people.

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